I know I am guilty of having done this many times. We don’t mean to hurt the other person, quite the opposite. We believe that the thing we have to share is so important that it is more important than what they are saying. And this is where the problem lies. The art of conversation is as much about listening as it is about talking. To listen, really listen to someone is not an easy task. As parents, we need to model this for our children, and acknowledge that it can be hard to pay close attention to someone else. When that amazing thought pops up like “I know exactly what you mean. I had the same thing happen to me…” Stop. Don’t speak. Notice the anxiety you feel about not saying anything. I’m always afraid that I will forget whatever it was that I wanted to say but be brave let that thought go into the ether. When the other person has stopped speaking or asks you a question, then if you remember what you were going to say, now is the time. If you have forgotten so be it. Wonderful things happen when we communicate like this. It allows for a deeper connection and understanding.

When children talk to each other, they are defining themselves and so this need to prove themselves often results in interrupting. Ask one child what her favorite movie is, another child will respond by saying what his favorite movie is. Instead encourage him to keep the light or focus on the child who was asked the question by asking more questions like “Why is it your favorite movie?” or “When did you see it?” or “What’s your favorite character in the film?”

It’s not easy for us grown ups never mind our children, but if we can start becoming aware of when we interrupt, this is an important first step. Here our some tips to get your children to become better listeners:

1. If your child interrupts when someone else is speaking, gently remind him to listen until the person is finished.

2. Tell him that you are interested in what he has to say, but first let’s listen to what the speaker has to say.

3. When a person answers a question, encourage your child to ask follow up questions. Make it a game at the dinner table. How many follow up questions can you ask.

The benefits of becoming a better listener are endless. We become more compassionate family members, friends, humans. So don’t give up on yourselves or your children. Become good listeners not interrupters!

Compared to mindfulness, manners seem a little superficial, especially when we speak of etiquette, but good manners are ultimately about empathy—imagining how another person feels. Even with table manners, the rules are based on consideration. I often give children an example like ‘How would you feel if the person across from you was chewing their meatballs with their mouth?  Most are quick to say they wouldn’t feel very good at all.

Mindfulness is the present moment awareness of our internal and external environment without judgment. It’s a process of untangling ourselves from our thoughts and feelings by using our senses, our breath and our minds. It creates a space between thought and reaction. It helps us to notice ourselves and those around us.

Manners are about being aware of others, and being mindful of them. Noticing that the new person in the group doesn’t know anyone and introducing them. Noticing that your friend has a cold and offering to play inside instead. These are all mindful behaviors as much as they are well mannered behaviors. As children learn to see and notice what’s around them, and step outside of themselves and imagine how someone else is feeling, they learn to empathize.

Gratitude is another cornerstone of manners and yet so much more. Studies show that children who are encouraged to practice gratitude like saying ‘thank you’ are happier, because they don’t have as many expectations, and yes, they learn to appreciate the small things. Again, it us up to parents and teachers to role model and point out how beautiful the light is at a certain time of day, how happy the trees and plants must feel after the downpour of rain, how lucky we are to have taste buds to enjoy our hot chocolate or spaghetti or an apple etc.

As a mindfulness teacher, I know how important it is for children to notice what’s going on inside emotionally and physically. We learn that we are not our thoughts, and we learn to observe our thoughts like someone watching a movie. We learn not to be afraid of being still and instead looking at our short meditations as a time to check in with our bodies and our emotions and our breathe.

When we learn to notice ourselves, we are able to notice others. We are more honest with ourselves and can be more open and have more to give to others.

If mindfulness is the tree then good manners are the leaves. They are intrinsically linked. To have good manners, we need to be mindful. Gratitude, curiosity, and empathy—are the foundation of good manners, but they are also the fruit of mindfulness.

I was thrown into the North verses South debate of whether or not to say “Yes, ma’am,” and “No, Sir.” Southerners are adamant that this shows good manners and respect when both adults and kids use it. While Northerners use please and thank you a lot as well as other polite expressions including “Sure” or “No problem”—we can’t bring ourselves to add the “Ma’am” or the “Sir.”

One grandmother in Charleston warily bought my book even though it didn’t include this important rule. She said her grandkids’ other grandmother, who lives in Long Island, told not them not to say “Yes, Ma’am,’ or “No Sir” as “it sounded subservient.”

Good manners or subservient? Is this what it boils down to? As an author and teacher on manners, they all turned to me for the answer, and there I was a mere children’s author caught in the headlights. After listening to them and also being greeted with lots of “Yes, ma’ams” throughout my trip, it became both familiar and pleasant. None the less, truth be told, it was difficult for me in turn to say “Yes, ma’am” and “No, Sir.” It would take longer than three days for me to adopt.

So who’s right? Well no one. Just as it’s good manners to slurp your noodles in Japan or to belch after a meal in Taiwan, no one is right and no one is wrong. Different people with different histories, traditions and culture develop different rules.

So what’s the answer? For Northerners to use good manners, they can adapt to Southern standards when traveling to the south–or at least be respectful of them. Same goes for Southerners when they venture up north. Please don’t judge us too harshly when we don’t say “Yes, ma’am” or “No, Sir”! 

Best part, however, was going with my two oldest daughters. One highlight was Monterey Aquarium, which is just unbelievable. A few years ago it was all about the jellyfish. This year it’s all about the seahorses! Different species of seahorses swim in beautifully-lit exhibits while epic music heightens the experience. Did you know that…

• Seahorses are actually fish.
• Unlike most fish, they mate for life.
• They like to swim in pairs joined by their tails.
• It’s the guys that carry and fertilize the babies! The female deposits eggs into the male’s pouch. As you know, this is very, very rare on this planet!
• Millions of seahorses are being fished and traded each year for everything from tourist gifts to eastern medicine—putting this magical creature at risk of extinction.
• Seahorses can change color by blending into their surroundings.
• Check out this handsome seahorse–he’s a leafy sea dragon!

Mindfulness is an awareness of the present moment. Susan’s Inner Kids Program focuses on “the New ABCs – Attention, Balance & Compassion are taught through games, activities, instruction and sharing to develop: (1) Awareness of inner experience (awareness of thoughts, emotions and physical sensations); (2) Awareness of outer experience (awareness of other people, places and things); and (3) Awareness of both together without blending the two.”

Children who worry about whether they will get an “A” in Algerbra or beat them selves up over missing too many goals or passes in the soccer game are easily distracted into the future or the past. Research on stressed-out, over-scheduled children is well known and films like A Race to Nowhere and Waiting for Superman reveal the problem, but do little in terms of offering meaningful solutions. Mindfulness is a proven method for relieving stress, increasing focus, energy and self worth. Mindfulness means accepting what is in this moment. The more we give our children the tools to anchor them in the present moment, the happier, more focused, more relaxed, and more creative they become. I have fused what I have learned from books like The Mindful Child, mindfulness workshops and conferences, my experience as a kids yoga teacher, and a passion for theater–many of my classes include the following mindfulness exercises:

• Breathing exercises from counting breathes to belly breathing. I incorporate fun yoga breathing exercises like lion’s breath, bunny breathing and dragon breathing. Breathing games calm the mind and body by bringing awareness to the breath. It’s enables children to begin to let go of their “thinking mind.”
• Sensory games: Breathing exercises are sensory but others include listening games from chime listening to focusing on a piece of music. In the smelling game, we identify mystery essential oils. In the mindful eating of an apple or a raisin, we first talk about where it came, how the tree or vine grew with help of water and sun, we ponder who picked the apple or perhaps it was machine. How did it get to the super market and so on.
• Imagination games:  Whether a child is drawing a picture, writing a story, creating a funny dance, these non-competitive creative expressions are fun and build self-confidence.
• Meditation: we rest with eyes closed or open, sometimes sitting, sometimes lying down, sometimes walking. We observe our thoughts. We practice letting them go and going back to our breath. We become aware how sometimes in our daily lives we jump on this thinking roller coaster, which creates a lot of emotion from fear to anger, none of which are based in what is real.  For example, we may worry that the reason someone doesn’t call us or invite us to a party is because they don’t like us, maybe, we think, we  said or did something to offend the person, and then we think what if this person tells our other friends etc.  We build ourselves into frenzy by riding this thought roller coaster. In class, we learn to become mind gardeners. We identify and weed negative thoughts and then plant seeds of positive thoughts. We water them by repeating them again and again until they grow stronger.  Children learn how to focus before a test or go to sleep at night or to step back in a heated argument. Our mind is like a muscle and the more we practice, the stronger and more focused we get. Meditation makes us feel happy and grounded–practicing a little every day will help us in everything we do and want to do whether it’s getting good grades or playing lacrosse or making new friends.
• Gratitude: The more we practice gratitude, the more positive our outlook, and the more empathy we have. I love the activity of the Gratitude stone. We find a stone and decorate it with paint, glitter, stickers. Underneath we paint a “G” for Gratitude. We place the stone somewhere safe like in our rooms or our backpacks or our pocket of our jacket. Whenever we see the stone, children remember to notice something they are grateful for. It can be as little as “I am grateful it’s Friday” or “I am grateful we are having pizza for lunch.’ Children are born with sense of entitlement and as parents and teachers, we need to replace this with a sense of gratitude. According to Christine Carter, a sociologist, happiness expert, and director of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Parents, entitlement “leads to feelings of disappointment and frustration. In contrast, gratitude makes us happy and satisfied with our lives.”

At the end of a class of games, yoga, breathing and meditation, the children lay peacefully with their herbal animal pillows covering their eyes. They notice their breath entering and leaving their bodies. They notice their muscles, their 206 bones, their arms, legs, torsos sinking into the earth a little more with each exhale. We often do visualizations to further relax them. They become aware that this peace is always available to them, that this is their true selves under their intellectual and physical capabilities, under all their weaknesses and embarrassing moments, and it is this peaceful place that all children and all humans have. We just need to learn to access it.

Mindfulness training builds emotional intelligence and increases a child’s success and resiliency in school, sports, college, careers and family life. Children learn to notice their thoughts and feelings. When we have a thought or belief, we create a neural pathway in our brain and we start to believe it.  Affirmations became a part of nearly every class and help plant seeds. Mindfulness is seed that is being watered by many individuals across the country.  It is especially important to plant this seed into our children so that they will grow into joyful, compassionate and balanced adults.

Some great sites include: Mindfulness Together, Susan Kaiser Greenland.

I picked up my 9-year-old from a sleepover, and I asked how she slept. She replied that she couldn’t sleep because the mom, who happened to be standing right there, wouldn’t let them turn the night light off. I also teach children’s yoga and all children adore the poses, the stories and the feeling of calm that we feel. Then I let my 5-year-old come to a class. In the middle, she blurted, “This is boring, mom.”

So if you bump into me in a restaurant or on the street or at a play date or school function, don’t expect my kids to be perfect. I, like all the other millions of parents out there, am on the perpetual path to teach my children gratitude, tact and good table manners.